If I Were A Cow, I Would Want To Be Stationed Here

I was visited by Freddy Krueger in my dreams and had night sweats. My nightmare was awful and it basically consisted of me fleeing and a lot of stabbing. REDRUM. Am I watching too much savage TV?

Mom and I got an early start and drove up to William Randolf Hearst's Castle. The drive up there looked like an impressionist, pastoral painting. I decided that this must be where all the happy cows of the world lived. The Hearst Castle was lavish and ornate...and a little, but just a little, ostentatious. Hah! Our dearest William Hearst was definitely chichi. At one point in his life he had his own personal zoo. Along with a collection of our society's stars. Was Hearst a groupie? He surrounded himself with movie stars, politicians, Cary Grant...CARY GRANT. I was standing next to a couch that Cary Grant once sat on. Why, why was I never invited to the Hearst Castle for cocktails and dancing? I should have been famous in the 1930s. At one point during the tour, I took my picture in a 500 year old mirror...does that mean my reflection is therefore 500 years old? I also stood on gold and had the song "I'm Walking On Sunshine" stuck in my head. The tour guide said that it was not uncommon for guests to stay for an extended weekend, month, or even a year. Mom asked if she could get her suitcase out of the car and move right on in. The castle was dazzling and more than once did I realize that I would never own that much money in my entire life, or the 700 reincarnated lives after.

We ate a Cobb Salad and a bowl of Mushroom, Sausage and Potato chowder (yum! I need to find a recipe) for lunch at the old general store. There was this elderly couple who were taking silly pictures all over the store: acting like he was filling his hat up with ice cream and pretending to be getting on a horse's saddle. Who needs sports when you have that for entertainment? I now have a new favorite highway: Highway 1. Oh yes, my friends, it is not only breath-taking and probably the most beautiful highway in America but it also has ELEPHANT SEALS. Mom and I watched these fat, blubbery, vile animals for almost half an hour. Basically, they are the pigs of the ocean. Except bigger, and more hideous. Elephant seals have a Mermaid's tail, Gonzo Muppet's nose, the neck of a Shar Pei and the weight of a Hippopotamus. There were hundreds of them making a cacophony of burps and calls that sounded like a chainsaw or motorcycle. Mesmerizing, really.

Highway 1 was narrow and twisted back and forth for hours. It felt like my car was slaloming. Out the driver's window was the ocean and out the passenger's was green and mountains. Picturesque! And then, mom and I almost died. While driving on this curving, two lane road a car wanting to pass decided to drive directly at Bowser, in MY LANE. I slammed on the breaks and somehow we narrowly avoided a head on collision and driving straight into the side of the mountain. I was shaking and mom was speechless. And Tinga, well, Tinga slept through it all. She has nine lives, so I suppose she wasn't too concerned.

After stopping off in the countries garlic capitol, mom and I made it to San Jose. Do you know the way?