The Cleanest Shower in Portland

Like I promised, here are some pictures:

Picture 1: Ben has become quite the handy man. Tool man. Tim Taylor, perhaps? So far he has: Constructed my book shelf, put together my bed frame, set up my tv/dvd/wii, screwed in my elephant door hanger, hung up my dream catcher, cleaned up my computer's hard drive, and will be hanging up my curtains as soon as I purchase screws. All of that and I haven't had to pay a dime! Also, Tinga enjoys harassing him while he's hard at work. She likes him feeling subservient.

Picture 2: My bed. Mom and I bought this bed in Janzen Beach. There were three mattress stores side by side in the strip mall. It made it almost too easy to negotiate cheaper terms with additional bonuses thrown in. For example: bed frame, free (a savings of $75.00). Another example: "Well, I think we're going to check out the competition." "Wait,I'll knock $100 off the price." I bought a burnt orange bed spread, mostly because it's Melinda's favorite color. Also because it reminds me of Rockwall (however, I will not paint yellowjackets on the wall). I haven't really gotten around to decorating my wall, so that side looks a little bare. So maybe I should paint yellowjackets.

Picture 3: The more cluttered side of my room. Featuring: Vintage store dresser, picture of my parents from the 80s, fake flowers, Shy Man Lamp (Aaron, he is finally! in an acceptable spot), the "little bitty" TV, Tinga's food bowl, and my Ikea bookshelf.

Picture 4: Melinda gave me this for Christmas. In one gift she managed to combine two of my favorite things: elephants and coats. With my limited travel space, most of my coats were packed away and are currently resting in my grandparent's trailer. The coats pictured made the cut, obviously. However, one coat is missing. Mr. Pea Coat. And why?? Well, because while I was in the process of unpacking, that coat was more than likely laying on the ground. And Tinga, I'm assuming out of spite, decided it was better than her litter box and urinated on it. The cleaners on Killingsworth have temporary possession.

Pictures 5 and 6:
My kitchen and living room. Everything you see in both rooms does not belong to me (besides one magnet on the fridge and a tea strainer sitting on the kitchen counter). I also spend very little time in either room. For most of my cooking needs I use Ben's kitchen. His roommates help eat my food and they have a working oven. Not to mention better cooking utensils and more space. The living room is usually only inhabited in the evenings to watch It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (Shimeon, I think I've been spelling his name 'Shemeon' this whole time) or playing video games (Adam). There is a fire place and a couple of times one of the boys will put some logs in and start a fire. That's nice.

Pictures 7 and 8:
Before & After pictures of my shower. Before- This was quite possibly the grossest shower in all of Portland. As you can see, Bentley enjoyed the use of the shower as well. Basically, I did not shower. I would be smelly and gross or quick clean myself using my bathroom sink. In dire situations, I would stand in a 6x6 inch space and not move. If by some unfortunate chance I lost my balance, I would rub the designated skin area raw. After- This shower is now quite possibly the cleanest in all of Portland. This is the product of: Clorox wipes, Comet, rubber gloves, and a little grease behind the elbow cleaning. Please, tell me you're impressed.

Picture 9:
Adam and Bentley. Roommate and dog (respectively). Adam is 22 and Bentley is 5. Adam likes to skateboard and Bentley likes to sleep on the couch. Adam calls Tinga a "sleep harasser" and Bentley calls her "bark" (I can't decipher what that exactly means). Adam is pretty cool and Bentley is too. Adam is not better than my old roommate, Erin. Bentley is way better than my old roommate's cat, Izzy.

The Yanks are Coming!!

Q. How was the mix party?
A. I started the evening off with cold sweats and Pizza A-Go-Go with Ben. After our dinner we went to Bryan and Lizzy's where I sat nervously on the couch and clung to her Chiwawa who also seemed a little rattled by the number of new bodies sharing her house. After about ten minutes I took my coat off and found myself smiling and eating the most delicious peanut butter sandwich. Seriously, ever. Papa bear, you need to eat these. I promise they would be quite palatable and would never give you nightmares. So, basically for the evening the group of us listened to the mixes on random and danced and mingled. A coffee and word puzzles date was planned, along with an Alfred Hitchcock starring Cary Grant movie night.
My first Portland outing rated: Success.

Q. Did you really laugh at Ben's roommate Saturday night?
A. Yes, yes I did. But in a good way! Let me explain. And may I say, at least I wasn't laughing at his outfit like a certain someone (BEN, ahem) did to me earlier that day. Saturday was spent watching tv shows and playing video games, followed by my attempt at being domestic and baking chicken and ending with me in a comedy club drinking a fruity cocktail and laughing at Tynan (Ben's roommate) who was on stage doing improvisation. After having a good chortle we went out to a dive bar that looked like a boat's library. There were old, musky smelling books on the shelves and a collection of boat themed bibelots scattered around. The bartender wore a captain's hat.

Q. How do you feel about the movie The Professional?
A. I had roommate bonding night which was dinner and a movie. The dinner: Adam's job. The movie: My job. Getting free food & entertainment: Shemeon's job. Adam made this cracker breaded chicken with muenster cheese. It could have been good if it was tweaked in just two ways:
1. Change that dark meat chicken to white. Perhaps a breast?
2. Provolone I hear is a much tastier cheese than Muenster.
Ungrateful? Probably, but really dinner was awful. Not only was I unsure if the meat was cooked (my skepticism was caused by the fact that our oven is not in tip-top shape. Meaning that fully thawed chicken, cooking on 500 degrees took 1.5 hours to bake), but really the meal was a combination of two foods I can't quite stomach--muenster cheese and dark meat. So, I took the advice of all six year olds: played with my food hoping that this rouge of cutting and scraping gave the appearance I was in fact eating. And for the movie you can't really go wrong with a 14 year old Natalie Portman and blood & guts.

Q. I hear you can find fairly inexpensive plane tickets from DFW to PDX. Is that true?
A. MELINDA IS COMING! MELINDA IS COMING!! Did you guys get that: MELINDA IS COMING! Soon, March 6-13, my bf will be visiting me on her less than pocket-breaking plane ticket, non-stop flight! I'm squealing and planning activities.

Pictures of my house/room/mates/pets soon. I promise.

Louis, I Think This Is the Beginning of a Beautiful Friendship

I'm attending a mix party tonight; the Sad Bastards Mix Tape Party. Right now I feel like Rob from High Fidelity. I would also like to add that this will be my first initiation into Portland. I mean, my first time to be around other people. And I'm not going to lie, I'm terrified. Seriously, the prospect of making friends seems so tiring and I'm slightly out of practice. I feel like I'm going to act like a buffoon and come off too "be my friend, be my friend, BE MY FRIEND." And I'm kind of picturing myself as a homeless lady with a can asking for pennies. Same thing, right? Friends, pennies. Perhaps I could offer a penny for my friendship. Maybe a quarter, I'm not that cheap.

Today I had a group interview with Campuspoint which is an organization that helps current students and recent graduates find jobs. No, they are not a temp agency or a head hunter. Yes, they do charge, but the company. I was smart, and just for you papa bear I read all the documents thoroughly. So, at noon today I was upstairs, sitting in a chair wearing a skirt and a bow (and sad to say, fishnets---dad, you did not stop that clothing blunder early enough) and rambling. Yes, yes it was awful. I'm almost positive on my resume in large red lettering are the words DO NOT HIRE. And for empahtics sake, there was probably some exclamation points and underlines. Explanation? Well, two of my responses seem to stick out. The first, when asked the question what are characteristics I look for in a boss? I decided it was appropriate to reply, "One that wants to hire me and finds me desirable." I'm only thankful I stopped there and did not feel it necessary to elaborate on the word 'desirable' and the connotations it couple imply. Second mistake: Question, "If you could do anything in the world, what would it be?" My response, "Well, I think I would like to own a book store. Probably used. But maybe sell new books as well"......there was something about debating the perks of making it corporate.....and then, "Oh, wait. Maybe I would like to be an author." I also felt it important they know I was not interested in writing at a newspaper because newsprint was dying. Thank you internet. Sighhhh. I don't even think you could call that charming. I think I need interviewing practice.

Last night Ben took me on a Casablanca date. We went to the Living Room Theater in downtown Portland and watched Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman on the big screen while eating popcorn. I think I'm in love with that movie. And maybe Humphrey Bogart.

I'm homesick.

Shazam! Shazam!!

Where has my dedication gone?

For starters: I made it to Portland.
The in between: Mom and I stopped off to take a self-guided tour of the Tree Mysteries, home to Paul Bunyan. Yes, the flannel wearing man with the ax. While there, we saw the world's largest tree, the elephant tree, the trinity tree and of course the chapel tree, all of which belonged to the Red Wood family. Mom was not thrilled about taking a gondola ride, but alas my pretty face convinced her (that, and she didn't want to miss out on any sites...so maybe it had nothing to do with my face). The view from the top was remarkable, just rows and rows of trees. It reminded me of Homeward Bound and I was hoping to catch a glimpse of Chance or Sassy. This was our last stop on our trip to Portland.

Portland, the basics: My house is brown and I'm living with two boys. One is a skateboarder (Adam) who is currently trying out Nike prototypes and is getting paid in Nike products (I'm really hoping to get a new pair of sneakers out of this living arrangement). My other roommate, well, he isn't home much so I'm not sure what he's like. I do know that his name is Shemeon, which makes me think of my old dog Finian and Ben the word Shazam. My room is stuffed like a potato with all my possessions and furniture. While mom was in town we became Portland vintage connoisseurs. We snatched a dresser up for cheap, cheap and got a great deal on my bed. Ikea supplied a wooden bookshelf and a red trashcan. Now, about that cat of mine. Tinga spent the first couple of days hiding in my closet, but she's gotten a little more adventurous. She's still hasn't made up her mind on Bentley. Now who is Bentley? The Beagle. Who also really enjoys laying on my bed. So, Tinga just stares at him with her snake eyes; I think trying hypnosis on him. Her goal is clearly to turn Bentley into her slave. Soon I'm going to find Tinga riding on the back of Bentley and using his droopy ears as pillows.

Mom in Portland: Mom is a lifesaver and assisted/navigated/and basically helped me obtain everything I need to live (except a job, but she can't do everything!). We tried out different restaurants: Gravy, Old Town Pizza, Tin Shed and Jake's. Basically for three days all I ate was pizza or mac&cheese. A healthy, eight-year old's diet if you ask me. And if you're wondering, Jake's was decided to have the first place, gold medal winning macaroni. We traversed all of Portland, no hyperbole. I don't think there is a street that we did not drive on. We also opted for an aerial view of the city and took a ride in a glass bubble which turned out to be a form of mass transit and not a tourist attraction. The view was great though. We went and saw Valentines Day at Cinetopia in Vancouver where we ate pizza, yes more. And sad to say, this movie theater pizza was good. Like, better than most take-out pizza good. Dominos, you would have some sharp competition if this place delivered. Also, for all those out there who have a lovely lady and need a good date movie: Valentines Day! What other movie has 18 big name actors and mixes chick flick with wit? Hmmm?? Mom and I gave the movie four thumbs up plus two big smiles (the smiles might have been at Ashton Kutcher though). After the movie mom and I played beauty parlor and Mah Jongg. Finally, finally I beat her. All it took was the distraction of having hair dye on her roots and playing late at night where she yawned between every play. Who cares though, I was finally victorious!

Valentines Day (not the movie): Ben and I decided to celebrate by getting a joint gift, the PS3! We went to Gamestop and got a used console, a red controller and four games (for those curious: LBP, RE5, Uncharted 2, and Call of Duty). And needless to say, we have spent the better part of the past weekend playing non-stop video games. On Sunday, Ben surprised me by telling me he got reservations at Lapellah. We dressed up pretty: I wore pearls and makeup and he wore a sweater vest. At the restaurant he ordered a steak and I got...MAC&CHEESE. The most romantic food if you ask me.

Up-to-Date: I will be more diligent on updating. As for today, I have mostly been unpacking and doing laundry. Ben needs a tool belt because I'm forcing him to by my handyman.

Red Lobsters is in my future: take that parents, you're not the only people who get cheddar biscuits and coleslaw!

Can You Cross Off Everything On Your To-Do List?

Check list:
1. Drove across the Golden Gate Bridge
2. Quarantine Tinga due to the noxious (gaseous) aroma that follows her. Perhaps buy her a new kind of food?
3. Experience driving the steep hills of San Francisco. Including the risk of rolling backwards down hill with mom tense and gripping the door.
4. Find the Red Woods. Um, do they look like Pine Trees?
5. Drive through a really old Red Wood tree. Preferably one that is around 2, 400 years old and named Chandelier, which in my opinion sounds like a girl you would meet on Harry Hines wearing fishnets and big heels.
6. Eat at a tiki bar and grill where a giant spider hovers over your head and a chili pepper hangs from the ceiling in the shape of Italy.
7. Beat mom at Mah Jongg, and if that fails play Scattergories.
8. Pajamas and sleep.

My Name Is John Johnson But Everyone Here Calls Me Vicki

I hurt. Really. Really. Bad. Every muscle is numb and mad. The reason:

February 7
7:30 am: Woke up, yawned
8:00 am: More La Quinta breakfast.
9:00 am: Pier 33, coffee
10:00 am- 1:30 pm: Toured Alcatraz, once maximum security prison and location of movies such as The Rock, Escape From Alcatraz and So I Married An Axe Murderer. Since Alcatraz is located 1.4 miles off the coast of San Francisco, we took a ferry (swimming was not advisable).

"You are entitled to food, clothing, shelter, and medical attention. Anything else that you get is a privilege."

We listened to stories about the different escape attempts/"successes" by a park ranger. My favorite was John K. Giles, who managed to conjure up the complete outfit of an army sergeant and board a boat. This man never even got his feet wet. He just saluted and hopped on board...only to land on Angel Island (the boat was not headed for San Francisco) and be greeted by handcuffs. Sir, that was just not your day. Or the right boat.

1:30 pm- 2:15 pm: Ate THE BEST grilled cheese sandwich at Pier 39. I know what you're thinking, how can you be on a pier and not eat seafood?!? Well, the answer is simple, seafood is disgusting and sourdough grilled cheese is delicious. I do not regret my choice in food...mom may though.

2:15 pm- 5:00 pm: Walked around pier 39 and shopped. There were all these tourist and kitschy shops like the sock and magnet stores. And, our favorite, the hat store! Mom and I spent fifteen minutes trying on different crazy hats and making monster noises. RAWWRRRR! I found my dream earrings (Ben, Valentines Day gift?? I don't think it would be asking too much to request you to fork over $600.00. They're pretty and dangle!) and mom opted to buy herself a charm instead. Selfish, huh? We also rode on a carousel like we were six and I sang Mary Poppins to myself.

5:00 pm- 7:00 pm: Walked around Fisherman's Wharf and saw some pretty non-impressive Sea Lions. They have nothing on Elephant Seals. We also walked over to Ghirardelli Square and bought cupcakes.

7:00 pm- : Complete and utter exhaustion. Did you notice a pattern in our day? Sight seeing, sight seeing, standing, walking, not a lot of sitting. Mom wore me out.



February 8
We missed the continental breakfast, so instead we ate cupcakes. The breakfast of champions! Mom and I went back and forth: stay or not? We needed a flower. But, in the end, we realized that this decision was rather obvious. Duhhhh, of course we're staying another day in San Francisco!

We hopped on and hopped off the tour bus all day. First stop: Coit Tower for a panoramic shot of San Francisco and the pleasurable hike up. After this scenic picture, mom and I are now done with hills, mini-mountains. The both of us have no skill in reading maps (thankfully neither of us felt a calling for cartography) and ended up getting scrambled in which direction to walk in. So, we tried them all out. Finally, after walking circles we realized we weren't men and asked for directions. The finger was pointed, and we followed it. Up. And. Up. And. Up. Seriously, Aaron, this was almost as bad as our Cinque Terre stair master hike. At one point I was sure the tower was moving back just to be cruel. I shed layers of clothing and sweat drops were forming on my brow. Oh, but we made it! Now, was it worth it?

Second stop: China Town for a chance to buy tacky crap (I did) and visit the Fortune Cookie Factory. After catching a glimpse of where the majority of America's fortune cookies are made, mom and I have decided we might not eat them anymore. Pigeons flew in and out of the building and I paid 50 cents to pose with a lady who was making fortune cookies (and did not stop while she was being photographed). Now, I wonder, what would the reaction be if I happened to sneeze? My guess, the cookies would be packaged and sent to greasy Chinese restaurants around the nation.

Third stop: Golden Gate Bridge and photo opportunities. Mom and I posed and then started walking across the red bridge. Perhaps we did more of a slight walk. Or maybe just a few steps in. It was cold and raining.

I had the song "There She Goes" stuck in my head all day. Thank you Mike Myers and his axe murdering wife. Also, mom clucked like a chicken at the tour bus driver because he wasn't giving us enough time to get off. It made me laugh. Oh! I had my first In-N-Out burger tonight. I now understand why it is such a popular California cuisine. I ordered like a local (after pointing at different meals and saying Ooo, I want that. How do I order that)---animal fries. Readers remember, always order animal fries.

Craziest thing that happened today: A homeless man with his pants unzipped and rolled down sang a song to me and called me pretty. Of course, he then asked for money. Mom gave him two dollars which he took and then proceeded to pee on a bush.

For Advice on Life Please Consult Your Local Psychic (Miss Cleo)

All night I heard airplanes flying around outside my hotel window. I'm pretty certain they were putting on a flying concert just to interrupt my sleep. At the very least, Tom Cruise and Val Kilmer could have visited me in my dreams for the inconvenience. They didn't.

Mom and I took a tour of the Winchester Mystery House. Mrs. Winchester was nuts. After the untimely death of her husband (2nd President of Winchester Arms) and daughter, Mrs. Winchester consulted the local Boston psychic. This lady told Mrs. Winchester that she was being haunted by the ghosts of men/women who were killed by Winchester firearm products and that the only way to appease the spirits was to build a house and never stop. And, so, Mrs. Winchester did. For 38 years, construction workers were around-the-clock pounding nails and adding rooms to her house of fun. Gullible?

The house reminded me of a place that Willy Wonka would live in. Oompa Loompas would serve as staff and carpenters and Charlie as the favorite family member. It was completely odd and eccentric. It was a labyrinth of rooms and secret passageways to "trick the spirits." Seriously, it would take more than blood hounds to find her trail. There were doors that opened to concrete walls, staircases that led to the ceiling, cupboards with no depth, rooms that had one entrance and three exits. This lady was bizarre. And, her house was way cool. It contained 160 rooms, 10,000 windows, 950 doors, 47 fireplaces, 40 staircases, 13 bathrooms, 3 elevators, 2 basements, and 1 shower. Um, ONE shower? Good luck finding it.

California has the worst Mexican food. THE WORST. Parmigiana is the west coast Mexican cheese. Apparently it isn't just for pasta in fresh-mex land. It was atrocious and from here on out we'll stick to Taco Bell.

Mom and I got completely stressed and tense while driving downtown in San Francisco. There was a trolley driving right next to me and intense hills and crooked streets. Finally, we made it to McCormick and Kuleto at Ghiradelli Square where we met up with an old penpal of mine, Kyle. It was really surreal sitting across the table from a guy I met on a cruise when I was 15 years old and hadn't seen in person since. We were going to continue the evening (minus the adult) after the meal, but mom is scarred of driving in San Francisco alone and I'm scared of driving in San Francisco downtown without her. Plus, we were just plum tuckered out.

We ended our night with a game of travel Mah Jongg and a truffle. Would you believe me if I said I won?

(February 6)

If I Were A Cow, I Would Want To Be Stationed Here

I was visited by Freddy Krueger in my dreams and had night sweats. My nightmare was awful and it basically consisted of me fleeing and a lot of stabbing. REDRUM. Am I watching too much savage TV?

Mom and I got an early start and drove up to William Randolf Hearst's Castle. The drive up there looked like an impressionist, pastoral painting. I decided that this must be where all the happy cows of the world lived. The Hearst Castle was lavish and ornate...and a little, but just a little, ostentatious. Hah! Our dearest William Hearst was definitely chichi. At one point in his life he had his own personal zoo. Along with a collection of our society's stars. Was Hearst a groupie? He surrounded himself with movie stars, politicians, Cary Grant...CARY GRANT. I was standing next to a couch that Cary Grant once sat on. Why, why was I never invited to the Hearst Castle for cocktails and dancing? I should have been famous in the 1930s. At one point during the tour, I took my picture in a 500 year old mirror...does that mean my reflection is therefore 500 years old? I also stood on gold and had the song "I'm Walking On Sunshine" stuck in my head. The tour guide said that it was not uncommon for guests to stay for an extended weekend, month, or even a year. Mom asked if she could get her suitcase out of the car and move right on in. The castle was dazzling and more than once did I realize that I would never own that much money in my entire life, or the 700 reincarnated lives after.

We ate a Cobb Salad and a bowl of Mushroom, Sausage and Potato chowder (yum! I need to find a recipe) for lunch at the old general store. There was this elderly couple who were taking silly pictures all over the store: acting like he was filling his hat up with ice cream and pretending to be getting on a horse's saddle. Who needs sports when you have that for entertainment? I now have a new favorite highway: Highway 1. Oh yes, my friends, it is not only breath-taking and probably the most beautiful highway in America but it also has ELEPHANT SEALS. Mom and I watched these fat, blubbery, vile animals for almost half an hour. Basically, they are the pigs of the ocean. Except bigger, and more hideous. Elephant seals have a Mermaid's tail, Gonzo Muppet's nose, the neck of a Shar Pei and the weight of a Hippopotamus. There were hundreds of them making a cacophony of burps and calls that sounded like a chainsaw or motorcycle. Mesmerizing, really.

Highway 1 was narrow and twisted back and forth for hours. It felt like my car was slaloming. Out the driver's window was the ocean and out the passenger's was green and mountains. Picturesque! And then, mom and I almost died. While driving on this curving, two lane road a car wanting to pass decided to drive directly at Bowser, in MY LANE. I slammed on the breaks and somehow we narrowly avoided a head on collision and driving straight into the side of the mountain. I was shaking and mom was speechless. And Tinga, well, Tinga slept through it all. She has nine lives, so I suppose she wasn't too concerned.

After stopping off in the countries garlic capitol, mom and I made it to San Jose. Do you know the way?

Serpentine Shelly. Serpentine!

Part 1 (February 3rd):
Tinga was happy to learn that she would not be driving in the car at all. Her hide and dance routine was not performed, much to her pleasure (and ours). In all honesty, this was not a very noteworthy day. Nor a day that mom and I prefer to remember. So, we'll skip over it. Except, I should mention that I did get a new phone. Not a shiny, pretty iphone like I had my fingers crossed for, but an identical replacement. Which is better than a non-working phone.

The night: My cousin, Nathan Acker, is stationed at Camp Pendleton which is about forty minutes north of San Diego. We picked him up from base and I'm still kind of shocked on how we all managed to fit in Bowser's tiny bench seat. My cousin is a marine, which means he's big. And has remarkably broad shoulders (and the obligatory shaved head) that took up much of the truck's interior seating. I was a little disappointed that he wasn't wearing his marine camo, but apparently casual wearing of his uniform is a big time no-no. We went to Ocean Side Harbor where Tristan joined us for Mexican food and margaritas. I don't know how it's possible, but my "epic burrito" was most definitely epic. I feel like I cut and chewed on the world's biggest burrito. Also, margaritas were half off because it was hump day. Yes, hump day. Apparently hump day means Wednesday and not what all of you out there are actually thinking. Or, perhaps the more venerable readers probably don't have a gutter-mind and knew exactly what the definition was.

After dinner mom drove back to La Quinta and we went straight for the Saloon. We met a guy named Jason who used to be in the Navy and challenged Nathan to a cricket duel. So, in the middle of the bar this guy just starts doing this pushup and spring upward combination while the rest of us peered over him with quizzical and astonished looks on our faces. Um, sir, are you really working out at the bar? And challenging my cousin? LOOK AT HIM. HE'S HUGE. I promise, he can take you. The band playing was really loud and said phrases like, "Put yo hands up in the ayuhh (which means air)" and then continued playing their version of Punk Rock. Which did not align with my version. The night was cut short because Nathan had to get up for a 5:30 am mandatory workout. I would like to say, that I nearly died getting out of bed at 8:15 this morning. According to Nathan, by the end of his cardio-exercise, he was sweating margaritas.

Part 2 (February 4)
My plan failed and the same routine was repeated with Tinga this morning because she's a slippery little thing. So, we have come up with an even better game plan: the harness. This, I am positive, is fool-proof.

Mom and I decided we could not endure another La Quinta waffle and yogurt breakfast. We went to the Broken Yolk Cafe, where the logo is, "We've got huevos." And that is exactly what we were in the mood for. Finally, a little protein for breakfast! While there I met a parrot. That's right, a living, squawking parrot (not you, Aaron) named Dry Rot. I had to take a quick look around to make sure that I did not somehow materialize on a pirate's ship. Dry Rot apparently likes girls and hopped over to my fingers while his owner cracked parrot jokes.

San Diego feels like summer. It's tropical and I kept imagining "Spring Break! Woo!!" (while Kitty lifts her shirt up, Arrested Development reference). California drivers are insane and no one drives the speed limit. I swear, even all the memaws on the road were racing down the highway. That is, until we got stuck in 45 minute, turn-the-engine-off traffic (yes Aaron, I will admit, wimpy compared to what you endured on 75). We weren't even out of San Diego and already bumper to bumper. We kept our fingers crossed that this was not the traffic to get into LA. And luckily, it wasn't.

The California money definitely leaks out on the highways. At one point my poor truck was surrounded by an infantry of BMWs, a Lexus and some zippy, expensive looking car. I think bub would have been jealous of the car eye-candy. We passed Sunset Boulevard which made me want to watch a Billy Wilder movie. In fact, it made me want to watch Sunset Boulevard. Soon after getting through LA, a highway patrol car started making S's on the highway. Mom and I looked at each other wondering if that was really happening and were slightly jealous of this man's power to legally serpentine down highway 101. Seriously, five minutes of going back and forth, back and forth. Watching the policeman reminded me of my dad's story about swerving in and out of the reflection bumps on the road before being pulled over. Dad, I found the trick: you just need a highway patrol car. And a uniform. And probably a badge. In the end, it wasn't just fun and games, but the police car was slowing traffic down while a work truck was fixing potholes.

Highway 154 is now my favorite road. The view was breathtaking. I made mom nervous with my dual tasking, driving and taking pictures. So, to appease her fingernails, I pulled over at a view point. Beautiful doesn't begin to describe. The scenery made the drive seem short and we checked in to the La Quinta in Paso Robles. This La Quinta has class and had a complimentary wine and cheese tasting, which of course, mom and I attended. Paso Robles is charming and has a downtown that I want in my hometown. The reason why: Powell's Candy Shop and Basil Thai Restaurant (which gives out jolly ranchers instead of fortune cookies at the end of the meal).

"This must be a Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays." Mom and I finished reading The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy today.

California, California HERE WE COME (Please have Alex Greenwald singing)!

The Tinga scheme didn't work; she pulled a fast one on us. Instead of waiting for the suitcases to be hauled out of the hotel room to begin her ritual, she acted preemptively. So, again, mom and I were on our hands and knees. I felt like Fester from the 3 Ninjas, "I don't want to hurt you. I just want to kidnap you!" Eventually we found the little devil hiding underneath my bed.

Today, oh today, was PINBALL HALL OF FAME (http://www.pinballmuseum.org/)!! Mom and I spent two hours and twenty dollars playing all the different (100+, well we didn't play all of them) pinball machines. I kept thinking about how jealous Ben would have been. To rub it in: boyfriend, this was way better, WAY BETTER, than Ground Kontrol. Most of the clientele were older men who probably called in "sick" to work. A much more satisfying way to spend a day, if you ask me. Unfortunately, mom and I didn't win a free game, proving that we are not pinball wizards. I guess we didn't have any of that The Who mojo. However, we did get copious, just like Bob Dylan's lyrics (that joke's for you Melinda), free and multi-ball action. Out of all that were tried, my top three favorite machines were (in decreasing order): 1. The Simpsons, 2. Austin Powers and 3. Batman. Yes, yes I know. All newer models. Mom was frugal and spent most of her quarters doing the older, cheaper pinball machines. But, by the end, she had come around to the five balls per game of the newer ones and found The Haunted House to be her favorite.

We splurged for lunch and ate at the Hard Rock Cafe. Our waiter had "Texas Made" tattooed on his forearm like he was a Ford Truck. Also, the bathrooms smelled putrid. No joke, this was the worst thing I have ever smelled in my entire life. I couldn't breathe and it smelled exactly how I would imagine a rotting corpse to smell. Perhaps all the old rockers are buried in the woman's bathroom walls. Apparently the smell was so awful I found the need to share this.

The drive into California was long. Right when you enter the state from Nevada the road becomes a steep, curving incline. It goes from 2,000 ft in elevation to 5,000. Dear Lord, I did not think Bowser was going to make it. I had the gas pedal hitting the floor boards and I watched it slowly decrease in speed and Little Engine it's way up the mountain. Even the big semi's were passing us. It felt like that scene from Odd Couple 2 where Oscar & Felix were in the car, watching school buses and bicyclers and mountain hikers whiz by faster than their ride. But, in the end Bowser prevailed!

R.I.P. cell phone. I guess it just couldn't handle the desert.

We're in San Diego (which means, "a whale's vagina" according to the Anchorman, Will Ferrell) and plan on spending a couple of days here. And the reason why: TRISTAN MICHAEL LIVES IN THIS CITY.

(This post is about February 2)

What Happens In Vegas...Gets Written in the Blog

Mom and I are getting tired of La Quinta's complimentary breakfast. Shouldn't they mix it up a bit, at least add new flavors of yogurt to the buffet line? I guess they don't count on guests sleeping their way west in their stiff bedded, animal-friendly hotels. But then again, free is free and who is to complain about that. We are!!

Tinga has caught on to the routine. As soon as suitcases and pillows march out the door towards the car, she hides. In all honesty, I don't think she minds the car, but rather gets a kick out of having mom and I on our hands and knees and cooing at her to come out from hiding. She is pretending to be the Pink Panther (according to Ben) and we're Jacques Clouseau. Except, we're not calling for her in a French accent. In any case, tomorrow mom and I are going to pull a fast one on her---she's going to the car first.

We zipped our way through Arizona, not a bump along the path. The landscape felt like infinity and quite a few times mom and I would stop what we were doing just to stare, our mouths agape. Bowser had to go through inspection before he was deemed "safe" (aka, no explosives) to pass through Hoover Dam. The guy digging underneath the tarp was shocked that I only had one tub dedicated to shoes. Even more so that I chose to leave pretty shoes behind for, in my opinion, even prettier books. We stopped and took a few pictures of the Dam. I kept wishing pops was with us; he would have been doing jumping jacks in excitement. He kept telling mom, "You have to go to the Hoover Dam. You have to go." I guess to engineers the Hoover Dam is a marvel. To those like me, not much of an engineer, it was concrete and a few pictures to say that, yes I have been there.

And now, now we are in "Bat Country." Except, Johnny Depp and the trunk of the car looking like a "mobile police narcotics lab" was missing from the scene (to all that have no idea what I am talking about, I am referencing Hunter S. Thompson's Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas). We aren't staying on the strip, so we took a shuttle to downtown. I know this will seem unreasonable, but I was a little disappointed in Vegas. The people were so normal. I guess reading Geek Love skewed my assumptions of Las Vegas. I was imagining sequins and tacky, red cocktail dresses, abnormal characters like conjoined twins and hunchbacks, flagrant drunks whistling and being raucous, the poker tables cluttered with men in expensive suits and smoking cigars with their arm candy standing behind them for good luck. Mostly though, it was just people in jeans wandering the streets with their cameras. It wasn't as dazzling and the carnival I had pictured; less flashy and gaudy. Perhaps that was Vegas circa 1970. Don' interpret the above statements as me being a party pooper and walking down the strip with a frown. That's not the case, it was just different than I was expecting...and having my mother on my arm might have had something to do with it as well. The drunken charm of Las Vegas can't really be experienced with your life giver standing next to you.

We saw the fancy casinos and even pressed our luck on the penny slots. Unfortunately, mom and I don't have the gambling bone and lost seven dollars. Actually, we might have won and just didn't realize. We had no idea what the rules were, but we did enjoy pulling back that handle! The casinos were so grossly atavistic that I kept imagining that the people were monkeys, all clinging to their slot machines and screeching with each spin. Mom's favorite casino was The Paris. She agreed with the slogan, "Everything is better in Paris." I enjoyed the Bellagio, it was dignified and the conservatory was beautiful and planted Oriental style, I think for the Chinese New Year.

Since we were in Vegas, of course we had to see a show. We got tickets to Cirque du Soleil's Mystere. The show was jaw-dropping and the pure athletic talent made me feel like quite a potato bum. I have a new goal for the year: learn how to do the splits. Perhaps join a yoga class? Readers, if you ever get the opportunity to see that show, GO! The acrobatic tricks and male muscles made it worth every penny. THE MALE MUSCLES.

Dad asked if we found Doug while we were in Vegas. Haha, sadly we did not.